(via Jam 3 Pack The Cheese Lover by lemonbird on Etsy)
Sometimes I wonder who I will keep in touch with after this year is over, after I move away from Chicago, because it’s not clear to me. My mother is planning a weekend vacation in March with some of her old friends—this just goes to show how little of my parents’ life I really know, but though I know their names, I can never keep straight when she became friends with them. They are certainly her college friends, if not her high school ones. And of course I don’t need to mention that we go on vacation every summer with my father’s college friends.
I don’t doubt that if—when, I hope—I come back to visit Chicago sometime next year, I will have a Hyde Park couch to crash on. I’ll miss people, I’ll keep in touch. But it’s not really the same. I wonder who my friends will be in the future, even the very near future.
I guess what brought this on was Emma’s ridiculous story, and the fact that very quickly afterward she was thinking, “Oh god I’ve got to tell Susan, how do I tell Susan?”. I don’t think that people think that very often—that they’ve absolutely got to tell me something, that I’m person number one to go to with a story. I don’t mean this self-pityingly, which I sometimes do, but not in this instance. In this instance I only mean that Emma’s saying so made me think of how rare it is for me to hear that. And make me think, five years down the line, even one year down the line, who will be the person that I go to with my stories? When I no longer have various friends all on campus to have coffee with and to run into in the lounge every day, who will be left? We all know how easy it is to be close to someone when you see them all the time, and how quickly you fall out of touch when schedules shift and you can’t make time for each other so easily.
It’s an unexpected source of anxiety, really, about the year ending—which I’m starting to feel as a real inevitability despite how far away it still is. Because I know I don’t have many close friends, but I guess it didn’t occur to me that I’ll miss other friends, too, that even when they’re all, as I’ve noted before, closer to each other than they are to me, there are people I care about quite a lot.